.::Awake & Dreamin'.:..

i know

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:22:05 GMT

ssshoosh.

i know some won't agree.
but i know
sometimes
people are better without me.
may be periodic
may be if our roads didn't cross
ever.

just sometimes.

some may have felt like that
at one point
or another.
maybe it crossed the mind
but not there to stay
it's just the down times
sometimes.

bite my ass

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 12:07:27 GMT

Perhaps
It’s not that we don’t care
We have different notions and expectations.
It’s not our intention to deliberately hide
Somehow we neglect to communicate honestly.
It’s not that we keep secrets
We just overlook openness and the need to tell.
It’s not that we don’t listen
We’re not used to speaking out unconditionally.
It’s not that we like creating problems
But having an intrinsic need for reassurance from others.
It’s not that we don’t trust
We simply need the truth and the heart in it.
It’s not that we can’t let go
We feel vulnerable and seek security.
It’s not that we are half hearted
We struggle to keep things moving forward.

We are way too used to biting our tongues.
Not towards strangers but our closest ones.
Afraid of being judged
Afraid of feeling insignificant
Afraid of not being heard
Afraid of not hearing
Afraid of being told right off
Afraid of being hurt
Afraid of hurting.

If only the lines of communication didn't include
shouting
irritation
bitching
igoring
silence
impatience
twisting of words;
can't we all speak nicely and amicably?

but this is how it's supposed to be.
i'm cursed to live with it.

free to see

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 17:03:57 GMT

mr double u, u forgot
charlotte sadly has no bird, but sometimes is so absurd;
always so afraid of dirt, come on charlotte be alert.
no bagel, how to yeet
who cares about that lil bagel, as long as her hair's got a curl;
enough for others to ogle, now she shall have the last giggle.
where from, jelly belly
you ask why ash's smelly, let's check is she really?
just your nose most likely, don't be such a silly.
irrelevant is u
suddenly matthew mountain dew, loonie beans like you there're too few;
least of problems we have to chew, cos love and laughter's always due.

so let's not be such a nerd,
it's time to give life a swirl,
never say it's too early
to appreciate what's around you.

That last note

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 17:00:45 GMT

Not too long ago, your laughter was all around,
not too long after, you smile down from above.
Here and now, from you we hear no sound,
but here forth, all the more we learn to love.
And in our hearts, you’ll always be found.

words

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 17:40:01 GMT

what does it mean to you?
where do you come from?
when does it matter to you?
why does it matter to you?
which way is it going?
how should it feel to you?

these are but questions... not to be answered.
words are just words... not to be taken seriously.
so then
when should questions be asked?
which words are to be trusted?

love.
what is?

smile an ever lasting smile
a smile can bring you near to me
don't ever let me find you gone
'cause that would bring a tear to me
this world has lost its glory
let's start a brand new story
now my love
you think that I don't even mean
a single word I say

it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away

talk in ever lasting words
and dedicate them all to me
and I will give you all my life
i'm here if you should call to me
you think that I don't even mean
a single word I say

it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away

it's only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away

appreciated

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 11:09:11 GMT

The sun shining brightly outside
I’m unable to feel it on my skin
But this time around
I’m feeling the warmth under.

The day’s sneaking secretly by
Not everything goes as we plan to be
But at least this time
We’re learning to appreciate.

Rare are the times
We tend to value
The life we chose
The hours we have
The people around
The love and care
The joy and pain
The simple things
which are supposed to mean
more than we take them for.

is two times too many times?

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 07:39:45 GMT

why do the words and actions not match? is it two faced or too fazed?

am i stale bread yet?

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 05:59:58 GMT

I'm not even sure
that at this point
is it a positive or negative.
I'm glad, deep down
whenever you happen
to want to hold my hand.
Without my prompt
without me trying
simply on your own ~~accord~~ goodwill.
Somehow I'm starting to be
afraid of showing my feelings
other than that of happiness.
So I'll try my best
to hold back what I am
not supposed to feel.
Now even as I write here
in my private journal
meant for closer friends -
Not even anywhere close
to the show and tell
publicly inclined facebook -
I'm compelled to think
it's wrong to air what i feel
unless it stays within me.
It's on the world wide web
but not for the world,
not like anyone'd bother.
It's more to reach out
to those who are concerned
and wish to know.
I'm not even asking anymore
for your eyes to read or look
it can cease to exist in your mind.
Cos' now I'm already refraining
even a single sms to you
exclaiming my silly fumbles.
Will it be more befitting?
in this manner we will
hopefully stay in happy oblivion.
This is the way it's gonna be
as long as it appeases you
for as long as I can brace.

all these feelings that i can't control

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 10:33:00 GMT

strange how our memory chooses
to remember certain instances
yet forget the effort fused into some.
how do long or short term memories work
when the right in front fades behind
yet the hidden from view shines through.
maybe that's where the difference
between the to do's and
the wanna do's come in.
disappointment sets in
not of you or anyone else
but myself, for even trying.
obviously the heart tells
when without reminder,
somehow it's etched deep.
is it a form of duty?
but it's not responsibility that calls.
maybe the beckoning of a want.
in this instance,
i choose to ignore but
J stood in front of me.
friends help in time of need
friends lend a hand
but where is the line.
what do words mean
why do i still feel
what do you still want.
are your hours that free
or am i that much of a bore
or are you in need of company.
hear my call
i'm here to stay
but only if u want.
why are u searching
for more fillers
with more others.
i know i am not enough
to hold you down
and to lift you up.
but please,
hold me close
or let me drown
on my own
i'm on my own.

Younger than we were before

Tue, 26 May 2009 13:19:39 GMT

I know
the answers
should have been better planned
but
the logics
should that be above all?

I ponder
the theories
their importance precede
instead of
the wanting
to respect how I feel

I hope
the spoken
can be less confronting
yet
the outcome
always turns in circles

I feel
the twisting
of blame from here to there
while
the pain
sinks deeper within me

I wish
the hurting
could just evaporate
for
the soul
it begs to dissipate

I need
the unsaid
to unveil from us both
the no tell
to unravel itself

I want
the courage
to surrender my mind
and
the heart
to fall straight into you

I know
your presence
It calms me from within
that
your support
is what I only need

I’d appreciate
when that hug
sincerely means well
while
your heart
purely holds no reproach.

feel

Sun, 24 May 2009 04:43:15 GMT

strained
drained
we all are.
why does it feel worse
each time i try
to make things better

lost
tossed
we've been there.
why do i get drilled
for explaining
how i feel inside

give
take
hold my heart
my uselessness at
a specific
that's just how i feel

fear
years
it has been
spiders arent my fav
no specifics.
they make me feel so

smiles
tears
comforted
we get that at times
no one reason.
that makes happiness

Happiness comes in the simplest forms and Sadness is when it hides. Emptiness fills the vacuum. Why do we always have to find that one reason or more to be happy, sad, angry, empty, satisfied, dissatisfied, or anything for that matter? Can we not ever feel just cos we feel? I wish I could explain everything in words but I'm drilled to the point of speechlessness. You're tired of me being tired. I feel tired for you feeling so. Will these have an end or even a diminishing point? Acceptance does seem unwelcomed, but all i need is the one reason, which i can easily choose out of the 3 multiple choice. It just doesn't seem right to trial and error and pick an answer out of those pre-empts.

Why I feel a certain way? Because of certain circumstances. Why does the circumstance make me feel this way? Because it doesn't quite fit with certain principles of mine. Why does it not fit? Because it's beyond my threshold of tolerance. Why do I have that that threshold? Because different people have their own set of limitations. Why can't I change that? Because I'd be rid of my morals, ethics, principles, my heart and ultimately, me. But that said, I'm not rigid and neither do I rule that out because our world evolves and I will too. I'm sure I can be liberated and enlightened. One day, I'd feel that anything is good to go, just as long as words spoken or written seems fine to me. Maybe then my heart will truly be open and free, like how everyone'd be free to roam.

Every individual has different takes to life. There's more to life than that one particular reason. We can't always pinpoint, we can't always wait, we can't always choose the expected route of us. But we can always be free to feel as long as it's deep within us and it doesn't affect anyone else. I'm free to feel.

birthday dine and whine

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 05:18:09 GMT

My dear pals, we shall meet at 7.30pm for dinner, and my dear friends, please join all of us around 9ish10 for a round or more of cheers and enjoyment! Look forward to seeing all of you:)

The world's not stopping, not for you.

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 19:18:37 GMT

You may not be feeling your best
But all around life goes on
Even when you're not moving along
The rest of the world is
You think they may actually feel for you
Yet that's not how it works
You stop and wonder
They notice not whilst enjoying
At that opposite end
You are but a lurking shadow
How did it start?
Where or when will it end?
Wanting to know
Probably the last to find out
Getting ahead of you
They're going ahead without you
Nothing to hold them
Not even you can make them stay
It's no longer the words
It's the scars they leave behind

6 weeks into 2009

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 11:29:33 GMT

days roll into weeks
weeks become months
not too long ago,
it was just 5 years ago.
the music starts
tingles flying in mine
fingertips and toes
dancing in the sunlight.

lost seems the spirit
brimming with aspirations
forwarding with positivity
perhaps it has always been.
once lives starts
the ticking goes off
we keep moving along
where's our pause button?

she wants an escape route
he wants another way out
we are all searching
but stillness stares.
find yourself sitting
traveling ahead so fast
the surrounding blurs
leaving traces of light streaks.

moving at high speed
the wind is all you hear
you search deep within wanting
your piece of paradise.
stop.
you whisper under your breath
only to realise
unmoved is where you are.

that faraway rainbow
shines upon hope
captures that smile
temporarily hides the anxiety.
life carries on
rejuvenating or vicious cycle
current and lost aspirations
you and i chase on.

for that dear gurl

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 10:03:21 GMT

some questions are not meant to be answered;
some are better left unanswered;
and some just have no specific answers to them
- even if we try our hardest, we can't always find the right answers to those endless questions that plaque us...

hope you're feelin better becca:)

Misplaced

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 19:22:30 GMT

Please feel free to let go.

You are
Binded not by chains
Certainly not by obligations.
I am
Definitely not asking
Absolutely not holding.
Especially not
when you don’t want it so.

Please not
Just tag along
Cos I want not
To drag you along.

Go on
Declare your love away.
Leave me be,
I never demanded.
Please just save
Those sweet nothings.
I don’t steal
What belongs not to me.

I am but no one.
Just a fallen soul
Not a bright star
Never meant to be.

If there exists
A too much time
With or around me
Please walk away.
Nothing forcing
Nothing compelling
Nothing
To make you stay.

Some say
Three’s a crowd
But in your view
Perhaps two’s too loud.

Boring it may seem
Yet to me
That was and is
Never the case.
To urge thee
I did not, and
Never would.
Go, Retrieve your heaven please.

Share your happiness
Locate your preferences.
Spread your love
To your priorities.

Please if you have to, let go.
Reject but please, don't deny me.

please feel

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 16:35:36 GMT

behind the smile
our heart falls
turn for awhile
hear our calls.

we dont seek
constant attention
just a peek
simply a mention.

dont glance past
dont walk away
we ain't dust
it's not okay.

is it not meant to last?
do you mean what you say?
your back is turned too fast.
please don't keep us at bay.

--beloved, for you... for us... and for all... who feels.

half alive

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 04:25:11 GMT

It's four AM, I'm waking up to your perfume
Don't get up, I'll get through on my own
I don't know if I'm home
Or if I lost the way into your room
I'm spiraling into my doom
I'm feeling half alive but I know one day
You and I will be free,

To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

Well excuse me while I get killed softly,
Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay
At least 'til yesterday,
You know you got me off my highest guard,
Believe me when I say it's hard.
We'll get through this tonight
And I know one day you and I will be free

To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

And you touch my hand ever so slightly
(Girl we're not ready for this yet)
And the deadly look she cast upon me
I won't regret, I won't regret
I won't regret. I won't regret...

And I was trying to disappear,
But you got me wrapped around you
I can hardly breathe without you
I was trying to disappear
But I got lost in your eyes now,
You brought me down to size now.

I'm almost alive
And I need you to try and save me.
It's okay that we're dying
But I need to survive tonight, tonight
Tonight...

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
I need to survive tonight, tonight

no whichever's okay

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 06:25:02 GMT

It's just around the corner
but as one gets closer
the rushing of footsteps
somehow slows and ceases.
should it be approached?
can one face it?

falter just before the turn.
courage fading bit by bit.
on some days
strength and faith beats It.
on others,
uncertainty overrides.

walking along alone
picking up the crumbs
the clock is ticking
but in my own world
choose to block out?
or get carried about?

choices sit and stare
we ask ourselves
what is the de rigueur?
do we keep our faith or lose the set of ideals?
settle just cos' we're tired of trying
forgo just cos' we're afraid of failing

let's not even go that way.
please know it and get it
don't get it then know it.

In and Out

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 05:47:16 GMT

in the journey i've walked
ive made mistake after mistake,
but i choose not to regret.
the truth is never talked
for your sake for my sake.
wherever from we got that.

the day is bright
but my world's pitch black.
will you stay with me maybe?
the surrounds seem light
but when you turn your back
my heart feels immensely heavy

whatever move i make
somehow it'd all burst into nothing.
so run along, don't look back to see.
i'd rather be meant to break
than break everything
that's close to me

everything spiralling in my head
increasing speed increasing volume.
nothing more to be said
we can only assume.

like a thin thread weaving in and out
increasing friction increasing resistance.
not slowing or knowing how to go about
bound to break any instance.

trembling weakly inside
tearing on the walls outside.
i can convince myself
if only i just try not to further delve.
to put aside the empty load
to turn on the carefree mode.

there and here

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 07:54:09 GMT

i wish i could ease your pain
but at this point of time
i have insufficient strength
and the lack of courage.
my intention's keeping sane
yet reality chimes
it seems to be stretching length
lost's that important page.

just let out what you have to.
u'll type,
i'd read.
u'll say,
i'd listen.

Perfect... ... not

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 04:20:26 GMT

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

middle of nowhere

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 07:26:08 GMT

i seem to be jumping on and off the trampoline
each time attempting to bring myself higher
only to end up at the bottom eventually.
the effect of my own words may be seen
yet the impact made on myself seems so much weaker
what then was said to others had been spoken in vain?
all of my senses seem to be shutting from within
it seems i no longer have any feelings of desire
is my heart even managing to keep me sane?

"I try so many times but it's not taking me
And it seems so long ago that I used to believe
And I'm so lost inside of my head and crazy
But I cant get out of it, I'm just stumbling

And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
But I'm listening as it evolved in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire

...I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
But It's frayed at both the ends
And I'm slow unraveling"

lifted

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 04:15:21 GMT

the sun's up and bright
my day seems so
the heaviness of dark clouds
lifted away from me
opening up to the warmth
my heart's feeling light
taking it in slow
joining them all in the shouts
giving life that extra oomph!

i must be sleeping

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 18:10:33 GMT

mind hanging in the midst
losing all focus
not knowing anymore
is this where we're headed?
closing mine eyes
wishing the hardest parts
will drift away somehow
is this what we've come to?
looking through those eyes
uncertain of what i see
wanting to feel you
but is that gonna help?
your presence i sense
your scent lingers on
but no longer around
am i just dreaming?
releasing your grip
you slowly breathe out
going the opposite way
am i losing sight of you?
but who am i
to make you wait
to cause you pain
to bring you down.

"This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’ve never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping
........
I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please dont shake me"